The Nucleus, The Dark Sake, and the Heist of all Heists!
by Blinded Chubi
Summary: CRACKFIC. Nnoitora and Grimmjow take part in a plan to steal all the alcohol they can get their hands on. Unfortunately, things are starting to become more and more strange as the night continues, and God knows if Nnoitora and Grimmjow will ever get out of this sober or alive.
1. Chapter 1

Grimmjow didn't ask to get royally plastered by a gay guy with pink hair and a spoon headed asshole. He especially didn't ask to go out driving a CAR through the halls of Hueco Mundo, with Aizen and Gin wearing G-Strings and minidresses while singing 'Call Me Maybe'. But, in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt:

"_**Hey, shit happens. Now stop being a pussy and do some body shots with me, Teddy!"**_

At least I think she did, I'm not a history buff. Anyway, on with how this motherfuckery occurred.

At around five in the evening, Grimmjow was lazily lounging in his room, looking at a comic book from the human world he had found in Karakura Town. "Phht, this is such stupid bullshit," he muttered, flipping through the pages. "An alien dropping an anvil on a dude with psychic powers to put 'im in a wheelchair? That's just stupid; now a guy who used to look like a black and white panther that lived in the desert with a skeleton guy and a one eyed worm dude? Now THAT'S fucking real!"

While he was busy reading and critiquing, his door opened and he saw Nnoitora looming over him, a smirk on his face. "Hey, man," he said. "I got some news for ya." Grimmjow scowled at him. "What, Spoony?" he asked dryly, eyeing his comic book absentmindedly. Nnoitora nudged the Sexta. "Szayel's opening the bar tonight for happy hour, and I got a plan to steal a shitload of his booze!" Grimmjow sat up. "How?" he asked suspiciously.

Nnoitora smirked and held up one long finger. "We gotta go down there when Szayel opens the bar. We wait 'till he locks up the place, and then break open the locks he's got on there. We get to the warehouse where he keeps all the crates of beer and stuff, and then we take it all back to my room. It's an easy gig!"

Grimmjow frowned skeptically. Usually he didn't like doing things around Hueco Mundo with Nnoitora, since he always tended to make half assed plans that never really worked. "Sounds good in theory, but how the hell are we gonna get past Szayel's locks? "he replied, glowering at Nnoitora. "He's probably got some science-y magic on the locks and his alarm systems hafta be really top notch." Nnoitora raised an eyebrow.

"You don't think I forgot that, did you, dumbass? We'll bust out that human with the big tits, um…What's her name again?"

"Ori-somethin'," Grimmjow said, trying to remember. "Well, it doesn't matter," Nnoitora replied. "We get Big Tits to reject the locks and alarm systems, and then have Tesla take her back to her cell while we get the crates. It's foolproof!"

Grimmjow nodded slowly, a grin forming on his face. Tossing his comic book to the floor, he shifted up off the bed and nodded. "Sounds like a plan, Spoon Head. But what do we do if Aizen or Tosen finds us out?" Nnoitora shrugged as they walked out the door. "What I always do if I'm about to get screwed," Nnoitora replied casually. Grimmjow frowned in confusion. "You mean blame Tesla and run before Aizen mindrapes you?" "Exactly!"

Both Espada arrived at the entrance to 'Nucleus', Szayel's bar. "Why the hell are we going into the bar at all if we're just gonna steal Szayel's booze after hours?" Grimmjow asked. Nnoitora facepalmed at his cohort's stupidity. "First rule of reconnaissance: Stake out the enemy's hideout. We gotta see how the locks open, where the warehouse is, and how we can plan around what we observe. Besides, I like a few pre-rounds before I really get into drinkin'."

They stood outside the entrance to 'Nucleus'. _What a puss-out name, _Grimmjow scoffed mentally. _Then again, with a guy as flaming as Szayel I can't expect much else._ "How long has it been since he opened this bar?" Grimmjow asked. Nnoitora shrugged and peered at the entrance. "I dunno, about a year," he replied. "He said he wanted to use it as an experiment to see what types of alcohol affect Arrancars, but everyone kept wantin' to come in to drink, so he just kept it open I guess."

Grimmjow snorted. " 'Kept it open'? Bullshit; he only has it open twice a month!" Nnoitora rolled his eyes as they stared at the neon sign out front to wait for the place to open. "It opens at 5:30, but we need all the time we can get for this plan to work." As Grimmjow stared at the neon sign with an animated atom, Nnoitora was waving over Tesla from the other end of the hallway. "Tesla! Get yer lazy ass over here!" he hissed. Tesla immediately hurried over and bowed.

"My apologies, master Nnoitora," he said quietly. Nnoitora shrugged and clapped his Fraccion on the back. "Whatever. Anyway, we need you to get Big Tits out of her cell for us after Szayel closes the bar, alright?" Tesla nodded, and Nnoitora pushed him. "Now get the fuck outta here, dumbass; you want everyone to get suspicious of what we're doing?!" Tesla paled and backed away from Nnoitora before walking off, apologizing to Nnoitora as he exited.

Grimmjow snorted. _Pussy. _Nnoitora looked back at the neon sign and leaned against the wall. "Just what the hell is a nucleus anyway?" he asked. Grimmjow thought. "Szayel told me once, but I kinda tuned out. I think it's like the center of an atom." Nnoitora nodded. "Seems like a good name for Szayel; nice, gay, scientific." Grimmjow smirked. "Gotta hand it to him though, the way to get in is pretty cool."

The clock above the sign clicked to 5:30, and a crowd of Arrancars, Fracciones, and even a few Gillians stampeded into the entrance. Nnoitora and Grimmjow bumped fists and sauntered inside, looking inside the entrance. Inside, there was only black, empty, and cold space. Both Espada smirked and leapt into the dark empty space, falling through the darkness until _WHAM! _They slowed their fall speed and landed on two bar stools softly inside a large expansive barroom, where Arrancars were drinking like crazy. Dark purple lights were everywhere, and the tile floors shook from the musical vibrations.

Szayel noticed the two Espada at the counter and eyed them curiously while he served a glass filled with human souls to a few eager Gillians. "Well, look what the feline carried at a constant speed of 0.3 kilometers per hour," he remarked, and Nnoitora smirked. "Nice comment, four eyes. Now c'mon, Grimmjow and I need booze." The Octava rolled his eyes and brought up two pints of sake. "Know that I charge once you go over the five drink limit, you two hoodlums." Grimmjow scowled. "Five drink limit? The hell is that?" he demanded.

"A business plan inspired by Lord Aizen," Szayel explained casually, checking his nails. "He insisted that I use 'Nucleus' as a way to bring in more revenue for Las Noches." "With what money, fruit?" Nnoitora asked, downing his mug of sake. "Espadas don't get paid shit, Gillians don't have any brains to get paid shit, and Fracciones don't get paid shit, so what the fuck are we supposed to pay you with?" Grimmjow finished off his mug and pushed it towards Szayel. Szayel smirked as he filled Grimmjow's mug. "With human souls and reishi, you morons," he replied silkily.

Grimmjow stared at the drink and frowned. "This drink is weird," he remarked. "Why the hell is this sake kinda dark?" Szayel smiled secretively. "It's a special sake mixed with whiskey from the human world, for a little bit of taste."

Nnoitora raised an eyebrow and said, "I want a shot of that human whiskey," pointing at the bottle on Szayel's shelf. Szayel sighed and cradled the bottle in his hands. "This isn't _just _whiskey, Nnoitora," he replied smugly. Nnoitora scowled at the pink haired Espada. "Well….What is it?" "This," Szayel began, "Is 18th century Carawore Family _sipping _whiskey." Nnoitora nodded slowly as Szayel poured a glass of it, and then gave him a 'look'. "Oh, really? Well watch this." _Clang! _He finished it in one gulp and slammed it against the table. "Well give me another shot of this '18th century Carawore Family sipping whiskey', asshole."

As Grimmjow and Nnoitora reached their fifth drink, they glanced at Szayel. "How do we pay you with human souls and stuff, Szayel?" Grimmjow asked, feeling buzzed. Szayel held up a device that looked like a small cash register with a lever on the side. "Take whatever souls or reishi that you have, and place them inside the opening here," he ordered. The two shrugged and summoned a mixture of already consumed human souls and reishi to pour into the machine. Szayel flipped the side lever, and a shelf popped out of the bottom with a sizeable amount of silvery coins, all of them having an atom logo imprinted on the center.

Szayel scooped up the coins and divided them amongst the Espada, and turned to serve a group of small Adjuchas who were clamoring at the counter. Nnoitora and Grimmjow finished glass after glass of darkened sake. Finally, their heads felt like they were slightly spinning, and Grimmjow ogled a human-looking female with short hair that was dancing in a slimming cocktail dress. "Nnoitora, dude, when do we go and raid the warehouse?" he asked quietly, still eyeing that girl. Nnoitora shrugged and wobbily stared at the warehouse door. "Whenever Pinky closes the bar, duh," he slurred. Grimmjow nodded slowly. "Obviously," he replied. "But how do we stay here after hours? He always throws people out once he closes up shop." He glanced back at the dancing Adjucha. "Damn, her ass is nice." Nnoitora looked at him, his eyes narrowed.

"What'd you say about my ass?" he asked. Grimmjow shook his head. "Nah, that chick over there," he said. "Is she a new recruit or somethin'?" Nnoitora glanced at the dancing girl. "Day-um," he snickered. "She just might give Big Tits a run for her money, and I haven't even seen what she looks like from the front." Grimmjow nodded appreciatively, and took a swig from his sake glass.

Nnoitora tapped his back and said, "Dare you to French her from behind, man." Grimmjow raised an eyebrow and thought about it for a moment with an alcohol-dulled brain. "Buy me five more drinks and I'll do it," he demanded. Nnoitora nodded, and Grimmjow rose from the bar and walked onto the dance floor. Within a second, he pulled the girl's arm to turn her, closed his eyes, and sloppily rammed his tongue down her throat. He heard Nnoitora's hysterical laughter from the bar, but he could really give a shit at this point. When he opened his eyes however, he understood Nnoitora's laughter; he saw that the short, silver haired woman was, in fact, a Shinigami. A _male _Shinigami, in fact; one that Grimmjow knew very well as Aizen's second in command.

"Holy fucking shit!" he screamed, backing away. "Gin?!" The rebel Shinigami laughed and wiped his mouth. "Of course, Grimmjow-kun," he chuckled, his eyes slitted. "Do I really look that convincing as a woman?" Nnoitora fell onto the ground, cackling like crazy. "Dude, why in holy fuck are you wearing a _cocktail dress_?!" Grimmjow demanded, blushing bright red. Gin shrugged and replied, "I got Hollow blood on my robes, and this was the only thing in Aizen's closet that fit me."

Grimmjow paused for a minute to wonder why Aizen would have a cocktail dress in _his _closet, but before he could ask, he just decided to keep his mouth shut; most likely the answer would just confuse him more. "Why do you look like a chick from behind?" he snapped, and Gin shrugged. "I'm a very beautiful man, Grimmjow-kun," he replied, giggling like crazy and drinking a darkened sake like Nnoitora and Grimmjow.

Nnoitora pointed at Gin's drink. "How many of those have you had?" he asked, and Gin counted on his fingers as he absentmindedly swayed to the music. "One…Two…Three…Seventeen," he replied. Grimmjow dragged Gin off the dance floor. "Are you serious? Gin, that stuff is super strong; you've had seventeen glasses and the bar's only been open for thirty minutes!" Gin shrugged. "Szayel said it was a special brew, and I'm always—" He wiggled his tongue—"Open to new things." Grimmjow shuddered, and Nnoitora took another drink.

Gin sauntered off, hips swaying, to flag down Szayel for another drink. He walked back to the two Espada with the drink and tilted his head towards the door. "C'mon," he urged, "We're giving some to Aizen, boys!" Grimmjow and Nnoitora shook their heads, and took another swig of their dark sake. "Why Aizen?" Nnoitora asked, his eyepatch loose around his socket. Gin smiled naughtily and leaned on Nnoitora, tracing his chest. " 'Cause I wanna see what happens when I take out that stick up his evil, scheming, toned bum of his, that's why. Now, c'mon! I'll pay yer next round!"

Nnoitora and Grimmjow shrugged; free drinks AND getting Aizen shitfaced? "Sure, what the hell?" Nnoitora snickered, stumbling off with Grimmjow and Gin. "Boys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a good night…"

**A/N**

**Yay, my first ever crackfic! This one seems like a lot of fun, and I need something hilariously ridiculous to make me stop feeling bummed out ever since I concluded 'Blue Eye Canary'. Thus, this random fic was born. I know I really suck at getting character actions and traits down accurately with actual characters, but hey, this is a crackfic, and with a crackfic, logic is kind of thrown out the Zorcasmurfing window! By the way, the comic book that Grimmjow is reading in the beginning is actually "X-Men", to those who were wondering. I learned as a child that it really was an alien named Lucifer that crippled Professor Xavier, and I'm actually really wondering what Lucifer would've looked like in one of the X-Men movies. Hell, I would've watched it. Anyway, back to the A/N.**

**I promise not to make this story super long like my other ones, partially because I don't the energy. I pinky promise!**

**So, will Nnoitora and Grimmy get the booze from Nucleus's warehouse? Perhaps. Will Orihime be open to Tesla temporarily freeing her? Maybe. And will you see more fucked-up-tivity in the next chapter? You bet my Twinkie-lovin' buncakes. Till next time, this is Everyonesfangirl13579 saying:**

**I want to see an Arrancar Encyclopedia with Aizen and Gin wearing cocktail dresses. THAT would be hilarious~!**


	2. Chapter 2

As Gin stumbled down the hall in his stilettos and minidress, Grimmjow and Nnoitora feverishly whispered on how they would remedy their plan. "What the hell, Nnoitora? This might ruin everything!" Grimmjow hissed. Nnoitora frowned drunkenly. "What? Why?" he asked, his words still slurring. "Because, dumbass," Grimmjow snapped. "Gin's completely wasted. WE'RE completely wasted. It may take us until Szayel closes the bar to find Aizen and get him tipsy enough. Our entire fucking plan, down the tubes by a crossdressing Shinigami!"

Nnoitora shook his head, laughing in a gravelly voice. "No, no, man," he laughed drunkenly. "We'll be fine, I promise. We'll pop into Aizen's throne room, give him some dark sake, and then get back to the bar, the train's back a-chuggin'. Easy as Tesla on roofies!" "What?" "Nothing!"

Gin giggled and posed in front of the door to Aizen's throne room. "Come, darlings," he cooed. "Time's a wastin' on my man!" Nnoitora snickered and slowly stepped to the throne room. Grimmjow had to stop and get his balance before he could walk into the throne room without tripping over his own feet. The room was empty, except for Aizen, who was lounging on his throne. Aizen frowned. "Gin? Is that my—er, is that a cocktail dress?" he asked. Grimmjow smirked at Aizen's near slip-up.

Gin sashayed to the throne and handed Aizen his drink. "Aizen, you HAVE to try this!" he said loudly. "It's really smooth, and it's so strong!" He smirked. "Reminds me of you, Curlie. C'mon, chug! Chug! Chug!" Aizen raised an eyebrow as he saw Nnoitora and Grimmjow. "Did you two give him the dress?" he asked, sounding slightly annoyed. They shook their heads and grinned like Chesire cats. "No," Nnoitora said. "He said he found it in your closet." Aizen kept his composure and stared at the drink Gin had given him.

"I see. Well, as much as I appreciate the sentiment Gin, I would prefer that you take the drink back to Szayelapporo," Aizen said in a silken voice. Gin pouted and crossed his arms. "Say whaaaaat?" he asked tipsily. He took the drink and tried to hold down Aizen's arm. Aizen's expression remained deadpan. "Gin, this is incredibly immature," he said, sounding slightly exasperated. "Please stop trying to restrain me." Gin pouted and shook his head before resting on top of Aizen's lap, still holding the drink. "C'mon, just drink one little sip!" Gin whined, straddling his hips and pouring the drink down Aizen's throat.

Aizen choked down the alcohol, and Nnoitora and Grimmjow stared at the pair of Shinigami. "Um…." Grimmjow began, "Did Szayel put something _else _in Gin's drink? Usually he's a stronger drinker than this." Nnoitora grinned wickedly. "Don't care, long as I get a chance to see Aizen get shitfaced," he cackled. Aizen finally finished the drink, and stared at Gin. Something about him now seemed…Off. "I want more, Gin," he ordered. "Give me another glass!" Gin smiled and nodded, dancing out of the room. "Come, Arrancar bitches; we need more drinks for my man!"

Grimmjow and Nnoitora rolled their eyes, but followed their commander. Aizen, on the other hand, was feeling more and more loose in his throne. "I think I shall prepare a surprise for Gin," he mused. He pressed an intercom. "Ulquiorra, bring me everything in my underwear drawer!"

By the time the three had made it back to 'Nucleus', it was already an hour until Szayel closed the bar for the night. While Gin grabbed a tray of dark sake that Szayel was holding, Grimmjow and Nnoitora left him for their bar stools."We've got an hour 'til Tesla's ready with Big Tits and we can swipe the booze," Nnoitora slurred. "In the meantime, let's keep drinkin'!" Grimmjow nodded and ordered another round from Szayel. He handed Nnoitora his glass, and they both chugged it down. "Have you seen any other Espada today besides Szayel? Usually they like coming down here near the end of happy hour," Nnoitora remarked. Grimmjow shrugged. "Harribel doesn't want another 'incident' with her Fracciones's," he replied.

Nnoitora snickered drunkenly. "You mean the whole catfight thing on the dance floor last month? Damn; so many nip slips…." Grimmjow shrugged and finished the rest of his drink. A second later, he noticed a figure in an old human submariner outfit. He wore a deep sea helmet, so Grimmjow couldn't see his face. The Sexta poked Nnoitora, who was watching the spotlights on the ceiling intensely. "Who's that guy in the corner?" he asked, feeling paranoid. Nnoitora tore his eyes from the lights and raised an eyebrow. "There's a shitload of guys in here, dude; yer gonna have to be more specific."

"Well, the creepy lookin' guy in the human sea suit is weirding me out," Grimmjow said defensively. "Wanna kick his ass?" Nnoitora looked around the room. "Uh, how much have you had to drink, man?" the Spoon Headed one asked uncertainly. He took a swig of his drink. Grimmjow scowled at his prankster comrade. "As much as you, douchebag; now c'mon, let's kick this guys ass!" Nnoitora looked around the room again. "Okay, what in the holy fuckness is yer problem?" he slurred. "There's no sea suit guy, Grimmjow."

Grimmjow sighed and slammed his drink down before walking across the dance floor. "Fine, if you wanna act like you don't see him, then fine!" he called back, walking up to the sea suit guy. He pushed the figure against the wall. "Who the fuck are you, man?!" he yelled. The sea suit man didn't react, but after a few seconds, he removed his scuba mask. Grimmjow screamed and reeled back—It was _his _face!

"Holy shit!" Grimmjow yelled, falling flat to the floor. Nnoitora stumbled over and clumsily bent down. "Hey, what the hell did you do, man?" he asked. "Took a spill?" Grimmjow sat up and pointed at the scuba man with his face. "That sea suit guy took my face!" Nnoitora stared at him, along with the rest of the bar. Nnoitora tipsily pulled Grimmjow up. "You okay, man?" he asked, confused. "How much have you had? Yer seein' weird ass shit!"

Grimmjow pushed him away. "S-Shut up! That dickweed has my face, and I'm gonna take my face back!" He punched the sea man, but the figure was gone and he only punched the wall. He frowned and looked at his hand, which was now bright red. Nnoitora folded his arms loosely and pulled Grimmjow back to the table. "I gotta ask this," Nnoitora said seriously (well, as serious as a drunk Nnoitora could be). "Did you smoke, snort, or eat anything weird today? I hear that humans have these weird substances that make you see weird ass stuff; did Big Tits ever give you anything like that?"

The confused Sexta shook his head. "You really think that Big Tits has stuff like that? C'mon," Grimmjow snapped. "She's like one of those human nun things that don't do anything unless it's—" He changed his voice to a high falsetto. "For the greater good."

Nnoitora laughed, and then thought for a moment. "Well, it's worth a try to interrogate her for it. Hell, Aizen probably wants us to!" Grimmjow tilted his head, and Nnoitora facepalmed. "Look," Nnoitora explained drunkenly, "If we interrogate her about this stuff, and tell Aizen about a new threat called 'drugs' that the humans have, he'll freak out, and then thank us and crap for bringing the threat to 'im."

Grimmjow nodded slowly. "I get it…But shouldn't we do that when Tesla gets her for the locks?" Nnoitora shook his head and walked with Grimmjow to the front door.

"Nah, nah," he slurred. "We'll just hafta improvise and get the booze out earlier than planned." Grimmjow scoffed in disbelief. " 'Earlier than planned'?" he replied. "There's at least a hundred people in the bar; how are we supposed to get any drinks out without Szayel noticing?!" The drunken Spoon Head smirked, "Like always," he said slowly, "I have an idea…"

Before he could say anything else, a large pink limousine screeched to a halt in front of them. Both Espada stared at the car, and suddenly the window rolled down to reveal a smirking fox faced man at the wheel. "C'mon," he urged, "You handsome fellas need a ride?" Nnoitora and Grimmjow blinked. _What the hell? Where did Gin come from? And why the hell does he a have a human car?!_

**A/N**

**Another chapter done! Gin's got a pink limo, the plan's taking a different turn, and something **_**strange **_**is going on with Grimmjow. Why is hallucinating? What's up with Aizen's underwear drawer scheme? And when will Ulquiorra make an appearance? Your questions will be answered soon, my darlings. **

**If you wanna give me your opinion in a critical manner, compliment, or flame your hatred towards me, perhaps you could write said critical opinion/compliment/flame in the text box below. Trust me, they will be read and cherished. Until next I write, this is Everyonesfangirl13579 saying,**

**If you want to laugh at something random, go to Youtube and type 'Peewee Herman drug PSA'. Trust me, it's worth looking at. XD**


	3. Chapter 3

*************** **Itty Bitty Flashback Time!********************

As Gin was fetching more drinks for Aizen when he saw Grimmjow punching a wall. Curious, he put down his drinks and Shunpo'd over behind them. Neither man noticed Gin eavesdropping on them, and soon he had overheard them talking about getting to 'Big Tits' room. _Hmm….They must be talking about taking the human with a large chest. Either that or Harribel, but I doubt their looking to take her against her will; Well, unless they want to get castrated._ Smirking, he thought that he might as well join in taking Szayel's liquor; if he's part of the plan, he'd probably get a cut of those cases.

The Ex-Shinigami swiveled on his heels and walked up behind the bar where Szayel was serving drinks. He put a hand on Szayel's shoulder. "Szayel," Gin sang, grinning mischievously. "I need something from you!~!" Szayel raised a pink eyebrow.

"What do you require, Gin? More alcohol already?" he asked. Gin shook his head. "I need the keys to 'Supernova'," he said lightly. Szayel crossed his arms. "You are not taking my limousine/human culture project," the Octava said sternly. "You're too drunk. Besides, you've never driven a human automobile before!"

Gin rolled his eyes. "Oh, bullcrap," he replied, teetering on his heels. "I went on a lotta fun driving trips in the Human World with Rangiku-chan and Izuru-kun all the time! Every decade, we'd go find the newest car and go on a joyride; fun, right?"

Szayel shook his head. "Nevertheless," he said, "I am afraid that I cannot lend you my human car, master; you're incredibly drunk." Gin slowly nodded.

"Okay, Szayel, you're right," he said seriously. "I guess I'll just—Surprise attack!" The Shinigami quickly took the scientist down with a nimble attack on Szayel's pressure point.

The Espada fell to the ground, and Gin pocketed Szayel's keys until he found the keys he was looking for. "Thank God that man has easy access to the only human car in Hueco Mundo," he sighed contentedly. Giving the unconscious Espada a quick kiss on the cheek, Gin sauntered off towards an underground parking lot where he knew Szayel kept his car. After getting through Szayel's multiple passcodes by using his own passcodes (a major perk of being second in command is getting your own administrating passwords!) and hopping into the limousine.

Giggling like crazy, he drove out of the lot and went off towards the entrance to Nucleus, where he had seen Nnoitora and Grimmjow walk off to. _This night keeps getting better and better!_

*******The Present!******

"Come on, darlings, let's move while the night is still young; can't risk Szayel waking up soon, right?" Nnoitora frowned."Gin, what the hell are you talking abo—" Nniotora was cut off as he was pulled inside the car, along with Grimmjow into the backseat of the limo. Gin smirked at them and gazed at them loftily. "Let's see, you wanted to go find our pet human right?"

Nnoitora nodded slowly, trying to absorb what was going on. "Uh…yeah," Grimmjow said slowly. Gin nodded and turned to the front and rammed his foot onto the gas pedal. Immediately, they sped off the halls of Hueco Mundo and into the night. "TO PET-CHAN!"

While they drove by, Tesla was approaching Orihime's cell. He checked a nearby clock, making sure it was time for him to get the human girl. "I'm pretty early," he murmured. "But still, if I get the girl sooner than planned then Nnoitora will be even more proud of me at following his orders!" Tesla nodded firmly to himself and silently entered Orihime's chambers. The human girl was staring out her barred window, and suddenly the Fraccion appeared in her doorway. Swiftly, he lifted her up before she even noticed him. "Wha?!" she cried, staring up at Tesla.

He expertly placed a reishi handcuff around her wrists and looked outside into the hallway. "Master Nnoitora requires your assistance," he ordered, taking the young girl out of her room. "Follow me." Orihime tried protesting, but merely held her tongue. _I don't want to make anyone here angry with me, _she thought. _They might kill me otherwise! _Tesla was beginning to take her to the entrance to Nucleus when he noticed that while he was early, Grimmjow and Nnoitora were nowhere to be seen. "They're most likely still inside," he said to himself, taking Orihime with him.

Looking back at Orihime and then looking at the black hole of an entrance, he grabbed her arm tightly. "You'll want to hang on if you lose your equilibrium," he said, leaping into the dark abyss. Orihime screamed and shut her eyes until their fall slowed and they landed on two empty bar seats. Tesla looked around for his master, but he was nowhere in sight. Orihime, meanwhile, was staring at an unconscious pink haired man who was lying across from her on the bar. "Oh my," she said, looking worriedly at the Espada. "Sir, who's this passed out man?" Tesla noticed her and peeked down at Szayel.

"Strange, that's Szayelapporo Granz," he said aloud. "I wonder who assaulted him?" An Adjucha nearby tapped his shoulder with a claw. "I know who knocked 'im out," the Adjucha said in a growling voice. Orihime stared at the Adjucha with fear and surprise, and the Adjucha smirked. Tesla interrogated the Adjucha. "Who attacked him?" he asked authoritatively, and the Adjucha took a swig from his sake bottle. "The second in command to Lord Aizen, Gin Ichimaru." Orihime's eyes widened, and Tesla scowled. "Why would he do that?" he asked.

The Adjucha leaned on its seat. "Well, I wish I was able to remember," it said teasingly, and Tesla frowned. "Are you unable to remember something that happened a few minutes ago? God, Adjuchas are so shoddily made," Tesla sighed. The Adjucha sighed; clearly Tesla wasn't getting the picture. "I _said,_" it replied slowly, "I _wish _there was something to help me _remember_…"

Tesla's face remained blank for a moment. "I believe that Szayelapporo could give you a drug that may help your memory," he replied in the same manner. The Adjucha sighed again, and Orihime tapped the Fraccion's shoulder. "Um," she said timidly, "I think it wants you to give it a bribe…" Tesla nodded in understanding. "Ohhhhh, I understand," he said. "How much reishi, then?"

The Adjucha faked pondering for a moment, and said, "500 souls." Tesla huffed. "500 souls?! Are you insane?" he snapped. It crossed it's claws, keeping its mouth shut, until Tesla sighed and transferred 500 souls into the creature. It smiled smugly and pointed at Szayelapporo's unconscious form. "Ichimaru wanted the keys to the car that Szayelapporo built a few decades ago, so he knocked him out when he said no."

Tesla's eyebrows rose up. "He stole his _car? _What for?" The Adjucha motioned with his claw, and Tesla exchanged another 500 souls.

"I heard him laughing about escorting a few Espadas to a girl named 'Big Tits'."

Tesla snapped his fingers and ran towards the door. "They were talking about you," he told Orihime in surprise. "That means they must've already left!" Orihime turned red and looked down at her own chest as they ran off. Suddenly, Tesla turned around and rushed at the Adjucha before killing it and absorbing all of its souls.

Orihime squeaked and watched the being dissolve. "Wah! What did you do that for?" she cried. Tesla ran off to the front again. "Now I have the information AND the souls!" he explained, heading towards the front door and running into the hall where they had entered. Orihime scratched her head. "Wait, I thought we had to fall down a pit to get here," she said, frowning. "How come that door is already attached to the room?" Tesla shrugged as he activated a Pesquisa to find Nnoitora.

"Szayelapporo tends to alter the physics of certain areas, including his bar," he explained, sensing for his master. Orihime nodded slowly, trying to understand. "Oh, I see…" Tesla finally felt his master's Spiritual Pressure and sped off, dragging Orihime with him. Orihime ran to keep up with her jailer, and as they hurried, a zooming noise was growing in volume behind them. "What _is _that noise?" Tesla wondered, looking behind them. For a while, nothing appeared behind them, but then they saw a speck growing in size as the noise grew louder.

Orihime stared at the growing speck. "I….I think it's a car," she said, pointing at it. They both stared at the automobile until they realized it wasn't stopping, despite the fact that they were in its path. This time, it was Orihime who was dragging Tesla and running as fast as she could run. "They're gonna run us over!" she screamed, trying to summon her shield to protect them both. Unfortunately, her panicky emotions were keeping her from doing so.

The car was closing in on them, and while Tesla was running, he thought of Sonido'ing to get ahead of the car. "Be prepared!" he yelled to Orihime while teleporting a few hundred feet ahead as the car came near their feet. While he made it to the other side, Orihime stumbled and fell backwards at the sudden change in momentum. When she fell, Tesla hit the cold tile floor and was dragged slightly towards her as the car closed in and was inches from her face. "AAH!"

**A/N**

**YAY, cliffhanger! Okay, so what've we got now:**

**Orihime and Tesla about to be hit by Szayel's car, which is being commandeered by Gin**

**Szayel's been knocked out, and God knows when he'll wake up.**

**And we STILL don't know Aizen's plan involving his underwear drawer.**

***shudder* Then again, would you want to know that?**

**For those who are wondering, there will be more characters than the ones here now. And yes, the Adjucha had a name. It was Bob, and he was very good with taking bribes. He shall be missed. **

**Till next you read this crackiness, this is Everyonesfangirl13579 saying, "See ya soon!"**

_**Here Lies**_

_**Bob the Adjucha with Claws.**_

'…_**Greasy Bribe Loving Bastard.'**_

_**R.I.P. 11/19/12**_


End file.
